Having competed in, & completed The Italian Job 2008, Mission Impossible 2009 & Allo'Allo 2009 in Canardly the Jaguar XJ6, 3.2 litres of British made comfort it seemed sensible to The L'Aime Ducks to change the steed for another with more challenge. (Actually Jerry crashed Canardly on black ice & wrote her off).
So has been born the hair-brained scheme of taking "Doris", Jerry's 1986 2CV with all her 600cc of raw power down to a Grand Prix in Monaco. - And back!
Will Doris make the 1800mile round trip? Will she get over the Channel let alone the Alps?
We will endeavour to keep a regularlish blog on our trip to log our progress
Friday 16th April
Mickey came up last Tuesday to meet Doris & try out his racing seat. I know he was impressed by the expression he wore. He seemed excessively interested in the breakdown cover?
Since then her nipples have been greased & her wheels have been sanded & painted and last minute bits & pieces fiddled with. The last major job will be done tomorrow - installing new brake pads - probably wise if we're going over the Alps.
After that it's simply last minute jobs, stowing spares & tools & tents & baked beans etc ( We pick up the beer & wine in Boulogne)
Monday 19th April
Doris's pads were only half used so the new ones have gone in her make-up bag. Spares & tools all stowed away now, and space has been allocated for tents, airbeds, bags etc. Plenty of room for wine, beer, baguettes & cheese and for the jar of marmite and toilet rolls that Mickey is providing. No expense spared!
Doris has now been sponsored by Round & About Magazine and The Beetle & Wedge Boathouse Restaurant. There's confidence for you! The Lymphoma Trust, LRT, (Leukaemia) is our chosen charity once again - they will be pleased.
The make up artist (me) has tweaked Doris's looks with a L'Aime Ducks sticker on her rump, a couple of Grand Prix stickers on her cheeks, and a couple of LRT stickers under her bonnet. Finally a Round&About and a Beetle & Wedge sticker behind each ear. How she looks the part! After a wash & brush up tomorrow she'll have a photo shoot and a picture will appear here. 
Monday 26th April
Yet another colleague, RKW Foods has once again sponsored us, so Doris now gets a few more stickers - now where shall we stick them?
Tuesday 27th April
Doris has packed her hats & is sitting ready to be ridden!
Wednesday 28th April - The Start
Jeremy and Doris were ready bright and early and set off for West Wickham at 8.15. Good trip down the M25 to pick up the other L'aime Duck!! Kelvin was there for the waving off ceremony and photographs of the event were taken.
Arrived at the Tunnel for an early train about 12.30. Discovered there was another Crumballer on the train.
Now in Bolougne killing time with a few beers before registration tonight!
Thursday 29th April - Boulogne
23.10 hrs Sitting in the hotel room in Colmar, on the French /German/Swiss border, quaffing wine after a long day! Goodness its hot - we're sweating like a couple of mature French cheeses.
Yes we made it. Doris, bless her cotton bloomers made it with nary a grumble. She had a moment between Calais & Boulogne - backfiring like a night on the curry. Mickey's face was a picture! Only 10 miles in and the trip was over! 10 days in Boulogne didn't fit the bill. A swift look under her skirts revealed that a wire to her coil had partially come off - gaffer tape to the rescue and she was a complete girl again.
The intrepid pilots at the off in Boulogne - prats.
The Bedlam Brainshakers, Gerald & Jane as "Genevieve"
"Rape & Pillock"
Tomorrow we cross the Alps, or at least crawl under them.
Now a well earned sleep - nite nite Doris xxx
Up early to walk round Colmar - picturesque town full of half timbered buildings - bought bread for bonnet lunches & met up with 4-5 other teams who stayed there. Left for Mulhouse, & stopped on P on motorway for breakfast. Salubrious - a lady? was squatting at the side of the road performing ablutions. - went as far away as possible & cooked bacon butties on camping gas stove. yum yum!
Bacon Butties at Mulhouse
Arrived at Mulhouse for the Schlumpf car collection ( 100's Bugattis & all sorts of makes of classic cars) where we queued for ages as there was only one girl on the desk. Found an old Doris relative amongst the Bugatti's and faced mecca.
Doris's Grandma at the Schlumpf collection
Interesting but brief as we realised that in Doris we had to press on so left after half an hour. On leaving a squadron of Messerschmitts ( 3 wheelers) arrived. We saw them off. Tally Ho!
A Schwarm of Messerschmitts at Schlumpf
At Basel on the border the Swiss gestapo wouldn't accept my taped on Vignette, so we were pulled over to stick it on properly - a few shouts from him & me & we were in neutral Switzerland. Now the Alpine passes were shut so we had to either go through the San Gottardo tunnel or the longer route through Chur to the San Bernadino pass. Having looked at Traffic problems due to roadworks at Gottardo before the off, we opted for the longer route. Prophetic - see later.
We raced through Switzerland at 45mph in warm weather stopping for lunch near Chur - Jambon butties & beer on the bonnet. Doris sprinted up San Bernadino at 30 mph where we found ourselves above the snowline - no problem. Most other Crumballers unwisely chose the Gottardo route & we had texts saying they had been stopped in queues for 2-3 hours. Oh how we laughed!
However, we shot down to Lugano at max speed (55mph) only to hit 5pm rush hour Friday night traffic on single lane two way roads and bolshy Italian customs officials doing their utmost to slow the traffic. Then we managed to get behind every OAP driver and serial tailgater in Italy, plus the Sat Nav throwing a wobbler in the tunnels, so after a couple of U-turns, finally arrived in Menaggio (on Lake Como) at about 18.45.
Facilities at Camping Europa were basic. Next to the toilets (launching pads) sinks with no taps, it was bliss. Pitched tents, drank a stubby or two, decided not to wash cos couldn't work out how to turn the water on ( foot controlled taps - only the Italians?) then walked into town to find rendevous at the Red bar on the lakeside. Great views- pretentious bar. Met up with other teams - much banter so much so that a few pints later we realised it was about 11pm - no food.
Followed others to the wonderful Lido Bar which contained a micro brewery in a huge, soulless hall totally devoid of atmosphere, although the owner was a real character who was once a power boat champion. You will be pleased to know we were the last to leave at 01.30 after having been refused further drinks.
Saturday 1st May Menaggio to Nice
A succession of Crumballers then staggered into Menaggio wearing their Jackie Stewart outfits
Menaggio main Square - bereft of locals - I wonder why?
Jackie "the dog" Stewart complete with "sock" sideburns & tache (well he didnt shave this morning)
- Big sideburns, Tartan Hats, retro sunglasses and racing (boiler suits) overalls. The locals being Italians all looked the other way! 80 odd Jackie Stewarts in the main square must have been quite intimidating to the good citizens of sleepy Menaggio.
Shortly, because we had to leave (Doris the snail!) we returned to the site, struck camp, and set off for another trip on small lakeside roads to Como. Insulting the Sat Nav, we set course for the Tende pass, only to be informed by her that we would then arrive in Nice at about 7.30pm. We opted for Plan B - a thrash down the Autostrada to Genoa and then along the Riviera coast to Nice. We fell asleep en-route and took the wrong turning to Genoa, so had to backtrack about 15 miles to retrieve the situation - we decided to concentrate!
A non-eventful journey, interspersed with Crumballers passing us at speed, resulted. Frightening in places with Italians steaming up behind at great speed to within a few feet of Doris (who was doing 30mph on tight bends in the tunnels!)
Arrived at our pre-booked Campanile hotel in Nice about 5.45pm. Doris was safely ensconsed in a close-by secure car park. (42 Euros for 2 nights - but she's worth it!) Then the usual rush to get downtown for the Rally presentations - 7.30pm. (actually started just before 9pm) Mickey was sidelined by Welshman Gerry (in Hugo's 7 litre Mustang Mach 1!) who was watching Cardiff rugby on the widescreen. Mickey now knows the names of all the players, their wives, their aunties etc etc.
We handed in our day's challenge & organiser Ryan awarded us extra points ( over & above the 1 point we actually scored) for bare-faced cheek.
The presentations were genuinely excellent - all teams mentioned at various points.
Imagine our surprise when we came 2nd in the days challenge! (One point?)
Imagine also our surprise when we came in 2nd overall for the rally. (something to do with Doris - The Tortoise {Tin Snail?} & the Hare we think?) She was actually called "The lowest powered upside down Tin Bath - ever - on a rally!" - Cheek! However we thought the cheers were very, very, loud!
The overall winners were the DUKES OF SCOTLAND - and thoroughly deserved it was. Kilted up for the whole rally - always there at the bars - did well in all the challenges, and good blokes.
The Dukes looking sharp at this stage! (earlier in the rally)
Ryan once again entertained us with tall tales of derring-do, cigars, medals, and complementary T-shirts, & Several beers later we realised we hadn't eaten - again - so at about 11.30 we trundled off to the Ishmir Kebab house for a Nice kebab on the steps with the other down & outs. Then shank's pony to the hotel to once again chew the fat into the small hours. A Rally in Blighty for the IBBF based on booze?
Retired hurt at 2-ish after finishing the wine box. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz
A totally different rally because we were in Doris, and we met loads of really great teams and good eggs which made this yet another rally to remember & savour. Power to your elbows Patrick, Paul, Jill, Ryan & John! - More to come on the Monaco day..................
Sunday 2nd May - Monaco Historic Grand Prix
Had our first lie in as we woke at 9.20am. Had a Campanile breakfast – the usual - ham cheese, croissant cornflakes etc Had a hard decision to make now. Did we go to Bloo’s pig roast in rainy Beckenham, or to a Historic Grand Prix in sunny Monaco?
So we headed for the railway station, dodging landmines all the way. There seem to be no poop & scoop laws out here? Looking bewildered in the station payed off as an SNCF lady took us in hand and got our tickets for us – Monaco, not Beckenham that is. After negotiating the sleeping drunks in the gutter outside the station we met up with the Farnham Boys & the Brighton mob who had materialised.
We got tickets at 35 Euro for stand K in the swimming pool complex overlooking the harbour.
We watched 2 races. First, tiny rear engined grand prix cars 1954 -1965, as raced by Jim Clark, Graham Hill etc. eg Lotus 25/33 & Cooper Climax T35.
1954 - 1965 cars whoops !Then we had a surprisingly cheap beer-&-leer in a bar outside the stand,& got back in time to see the Formula 1 cars from 1966 – 1974.
Well ....... there was not much else to look at in the stands.
This race was dominated by 2 cars. Duncan Dayton in a Brabham BT33, & Frank Sytner driving James Hunt’s Hesketh 308. Fast & Furious & no quarter given – several racing incidents with wheels flying etc & very noisy. The Brabham won.
1966 - 1974 (Green Brabham BT33) Wandered down to the Akathor bar & found Paul & Jill looking slightly shell shocked. Had a few beers with them while chewing the fat, then we all dispersed to eat. – Yet another Kebab for us, then beers & wine at the hotel while we updated the blog until about 12.30. Then ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz.
Monday 3rd May - Nice to Sisteron
Another Campanile breakfast, and another sighting of one of the Dukes – looking tired and dishevelled, shaking his head, saying don’t ask – 4hrs sleep and leaving for an 800 mile drive in 30 mins.
We paid & left with the intention of seeing sunny Provence by heading up the Route Napoleon to Castellane, Sisteron, Gap, Grenoble and then on to Chamonix to see the Mer de Glace and Aiguille du Midi.
Headed of down the coast to Cannes in sunshine, and decided to top up Doris before heading up into Les Alpes Maritimes. A biker at the petrol station came up and said that 2CV’s didn’t like the fuel I was putting in because it contained alcohol, but as we had come all the way from England on it & as I had already started filling her I carried on.
Anyway Doris enjoys the odd tipple!
Then Doris decided this was all a bit much. She decided to leak somewhere through the front & deposit water all over our feet & legs, then she decided that she didn’t like the drink we had given her (although we didn’t know this at the time!) so she began to slow. (Rather like driving with the handbrake on) We limped & splashed our way to Sisteron where we booked into an Ibis Hotel. There was a wooden gazebo type structure for bikers to put their bikes in, so we asked if we could put Doris under this - while out came the gaffer tape to stop the leaks. Trussed up like a duck ready for the oven she was duly leak proofed – or so we thought.
We debated what was causing the lack of power. Internet searches & common sense indicated that our mystery biker had been correct. An American website confirmed it & suggested a solution – Octane enhancing additive. An e-mail to Tony at 2CVCity in Halifax was sent asking advise. So we ate in the Ibis restaurant – a plate of gristle and a few salad leaves for me, and some reheated spaghetti carbonara for Mickey – quite awful. A few beers & wines later …ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz
Tuesday 4th May – Sisteron to Macon
Up at 7am to test Doris. Doris still leaking like a sieve, Drove into Sisteron & found a Petrol station open who had Octane enhancer & super petrol. Gave Doris a shot, topped her up with Premium 7 headed back to the hotel to mop up and pinch toilet rolls with which to mop up. Tony from 2CV City had replied with advice to increase octane or adjust points – so octane was the preferred option.
Set off towards Grenoble with Doris still chugging. Good road but low cloud.
Do I really have to get back in there? ( Breakfast between Sisteron & Grenoble)
Doris improving all the time, & after 100 miles she was back to normal. Typical girl, she likes expensive drinks!
Now while not fiddling with Doris, we had been looking at the weather forecasts for our route and found snow & ice in Chamonix and rain all the way up eastern France for the entire week. So we decided to call it a day, & head for home early. Texts to Angela secured us an earlier tunnel crossing, and we opted to make 2 further stops – Macon & Laon.
We arrived Macon fairly early got a Comfort Hotel with free Wifi, and drove into town to eat at A Pizzeria next to the Bridge bar from ‘Allo’Allo fame. Drove back for a wine or two, but after the mental efforts of the last 24 hrs retired hurt early – about 11pm. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz
Wednesday 5th - Macon to Laon
On the road at 07.30 en route for Laon about 250 miles a mixture of N roads & AutoRoute. Steady progress with stop around Langres for a pain au chocolat breakfast & decided to have a lunch stop at the old Grand Prix circuit at Reims. Haunting place that reeked of fading past glory.
Doris in the The Pits at Reims
The "Pits" of a pose at Reims
At a later stop at a motorway Aire we saw that Colombey les Deux Eglises was just off our route & we mistakenly thought that this was where an entire village was massacred by the SS (*) so decided to make the detour. Turned out to be a memorial to Charles de Gaulle who had lived there. Huge cross of Lorraine dominated the landscape with a museum to “Le Grand Charles” underneath.
(*We were thinking of "Oradour-sur-Glane" which is way down between Bourges & Bordeaux)
Charles's Cross at Colombey - well he would be wouldn't he, he lost!
As patriotic British, we duly remembered Agincourt & then pressed on across country via Bar-sur-Aube and Vitry le Francois and arrived at the Ibis in Laon late afternoon. The receptionist was cool, but we ended up in the biggest room in the place. Disabled room with a double & a single & all mod cons – palatial with aircon, huge wheel-in bathroom, wide screen TV – no expense spared. After our eating experience in Sisteron Ibis, decided to drive up into the old city for a beer & a meal.
The place was deserted – most places empty & no one about. Found a bar with food and sat out in the evening sunshine – albeit freezing- had a large beer with Steak Hache & frites served by the Landlord – a gruff old codger with shirt and stomach hanging out. (Most un-inspiring). We were the only people there. He said it was so cold that nobody bothered to come out – blamed it all on global warming. Apparently Nice had suffered raging storms and waves had washed away the beachfront café’s since our departure. Seems we had made the right decision to skidaddle back home!
Back to the hotel for a wine or 3 then ZZZZZZzzzzz for an early start to the tunnel.
Thursday 6th – Laon to West Wickham & Cholsey
Up & away at 6.30am. Stopped at St Quentin & brewed coffee on the camping gaz stove in the toilets at an Aire in the bitter wind (temps about 7 or 8 degrees) then made our way to Calais. As normal just drove straight onto a train several hours earlier than booked and arrived back in England at 10.30.
A short Drive to West Wickham arriving about 11.30 – off load Mickey and his stuff - a coffee, then the return drive to Cholsey. I was followed for 10 miles by another Green 2CV to Caterham. We only saw 2 other 2CV’s on the entire trip?
An easy thrash up the M25 & M4 saw Doris arrive home at 2pm.
The stats: (corrected for pedants!)
~ 2090 miles, Cholsey to Cholsey ( sat nav started just outside Boulogne)
~ 45 hrs driving
~ 41.1 mph average speed
~ 40ish gallons petrol ( over 45mpg)
~ Max speed 67.4 mph
~ Overtook at least one caravan & 4 trucks!
~ A bad back for Mickey
~ About 3 litres water dripping over Doris’s instrument! (She’s only got one.)
Not bad for a 24-year-old upside down tin bath with 600cc engine! Who only complained when we gave her a drink she didn’t like!
All in all - a good rally, in good company. (Nary a cross word between us!) Lots of laughs and lots of sitting in Doris – lots and lots of sitting in Doris!
Now - would we do it again – certainly not over this distance in Doris – we were not able to stop enough and certainly not a this time of year - the weather meant we missed much of the scenery, but……. Well - watch this space!
Jerry & Mickey & of course Doris, The 2010 L’Aime Ducks
